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Wed, Jan. 21st, 2015, 10:45 pm
A Lesson From Fasting

Every January my church does a cleansing fast. Typically it is a fast of food or a particular food but it can also be a fast of time or activity, something of worth to the individual for the entire month. This month I decided to fast cop shows. Any television program in which someone must die to start or move the plot along. This may not be a big deal for some but the majority of tv, even reruns and marathons, that I watch or will leave playing as I work around the house are dective shows NCIS, CSI Miami, Law and Orders, Criminal Mind and so on. So I decided to give my mind and spirit a cleansing from all the death and drama.

As a result I have rediscovered other forms of tv that I enjoy and that is more productive such as historical shows about our presidents and civil rights as well as Ask This Old House and creative design shows as well as simply turning the tv off. It is an interesting and an renewing process.

Tue, Sep. 23rd, 2014, 01:42 am
Thoughts

Constantly policing ones own mind is tiring.

Guarding against every sexual thought like a chain smoker going cold turkey.

There is a greater good, a greater peace to be enjoyed once discipline is re-established.

Eventually this thought process will be old hat, but in the meantime, I'm not weary, yet.

Wed, Sep. 3rd, 2014, 11:25 pm
Elder Parent Experience

Ms. Inez.
I went to see her today on my way to class.
Karl was just leaving along with 3 other of her friends.
I want to sing softly to her but I cant without feeling the tears atart to riae so I quietly massage her swolen hands and feet.

Her eyes were open when I arrived but because of the stroke she is not able to smile. She is bundled in blankets head to toe and every now and then the quiet is broken by the hum of the circulation pumps around her legs.

Karl and the group have been there since 9am (he mentioned the long day twice) and before they go whispers in my ear that she stopped breathing last night or the night before (maybe both) and cpr was required.
Good night mom.

Mom Mrs. Carol - well her graph clogged again Monday. Dad took her to the ER and after 3hrs it is realized that the person able to fix it will not be in until Tue, not that itatters because she has to take a special med for procedures of any kind 24hrs before hand because she is allergic to shellfish.
Yesterday she contacted Access the dialysis graph fixing ppl and got the med. She also got the head scan follow up to make sire her brain is still clear.
Today they fixed the graph she did her regular session.

Dad is well.

Tue, Sep. 2nd, 2014, 10:32 pm
Swing

I sat watching the couples laughing and twirling on the floor with smooth steps. A slight bit of anxiety poked at me as the ongoing thought that this 'dance, is really a trust excercise'...not something Im good at. I recall the dance lessone that I had woth Nathan years ago and the internal work it took for me not to look behind us and to Trust that he was not going to run meus into a wall.

I desire to be back within his dance frame again. There was trust built that I did not know could happen. He teaches at this place but not swing, another guy and girl do.

By the end of the 45/50min class I was in good condition but ready to escape. I staues for 10more min and danced was asked to dance by two other fellows then my system needed rest so I had to go. It was fun and I look forward to the next class.

Its weird how the platonic touch if dance, the trust of it the sensuality of it causes my anxiety alarms to go off. Figuring out what thats all about is on my list for the year and this was day 1.

Sun, Aug. 31st, 2014, 08:08 am
8-31-2014

There is no part of my life that is Not in need of immediate and radical change.

Fri, Aug. 22nd, 2014, 07:56 am
Elder Parent Experience n cups of coffee...

Yesterday
4:20pm-ish
While waiting at the hospital I had a cup of horrid strong coffee which I added several packs of sugar to that did not help mask the taste one bit.

6:30pm
Studying fingerspelling at the coffee shop and plan to stay awhile I ingest a triple espresso.

3am - still awake but finally drifting off

4:30am - awake - relocate to chair on first floor so I dont over sleep.

5am - dad comes to first floor and starts breakfast. (why?)

6am drifted in and out of sleep but now - Awake - start good mornings with dad and then this happens:

Me - Dad are you taking the vitimen in the cabinet?
Dad - not in a bit but I might start again, will have to see.
Me - ... ... Have to see?
Dad - doctor said it-cancer could be in the prostate, the bone scan and the biopsy did not pick it up but the psa numbers went from 27 - 44 and they should be between 4-12 and were not sure why (said all very conversational as if discussing a car fix).

It is now 7:54am - I start work at 9.

And so it goes.

Fri, Aug. 22nd, 2014, 03:05 am
Elder Parent Experience, CoWorker-B

My biological parents are well.

Ms. Inez (one of my other mothers) is not. I spent a few hrs with the family this evening while the doctors of Mercy removed 99% of a blood clot from her lungs - Amen - she is in recovery. There are a ton of things going on with her but for now she is resting.

Me:
I had a doctors appt today complete with blood work so I guess I will hear back next week. The doctor (also a friend) asked if I wanted to try a weight loss pill....:|

After explaining that 2 options were meds and 2 were shots and reviewing what we have tried the last few months she/we noted that the extra walking is keeping my pressure down but its not consistent enough to effect my weight.

"Not consistent enough....", she looked at me and said "...why don't you want to loose weight? What is it inside that is preventing you? I have seen you be consistent in so many things. We discussed the logic and you know the answers. Many jump at the idea of of a pill to help...what are you hiding from?"
...I don't know.

Coworker-B:
We looked at each other yesterday deciding that we needed a sit down conversation.

Today we had dinner.
The long conversation that I had in my head boiled down to something a lot shorter, yes I'm becoming more reserved, no its not directed completely at you, some day Ill need more space than others...o.O ... :|

All true but by the time we got around to talking it seemed as if the full long conversation I had in my head was over kill. Of course what came out was understated but it was functional.

Wed, Aug. 20th, 2014, 12:51 am
Coworker-B (CWB)

CWB - Catching me in the break room after a brief hello in the hall minus our customary brushing of hands or hugs or soft smile. "Are you mad at me or have you given up on me?"

Me - No, I'm not mad at you.

He was rushing to get his next client where as I had just finished for the day.

CWB - 'We will talk later?'

I nod.

Coworker-B; it has been rare that I have encountered someone whom I would like to keep in a non-platonic, non-vanilla sort of way. Unfortunately this one (though single) has barriers that prevent him from wondering down the rabbit hole I would so like to lead him along (we have had many conversations).

I'm taking a step back, not just from him.
We will have a conversation, maybe tomorrow.
Whatever the reason why these many random roads in my life are going nowhere if they are unable to be connected to something productive they are gone.

In other news I had a great day, lots of clients, three of my favorites, went to the movies (thumbs down for the teen turtles), mom time and now bed (skipped kinky karaoke) and now one of my favorite movies on tv with the timer on as I drift off to sleep - yea.

Mon, Aug. 18th, 2014, 08:06 am
Elder Parent Experience

6am this morning in the hall:

Me - "hey, how are you?"

Dad - from out of view in the other room sounding bright and chipper "I'm good! How are you?"

Me - not so chipper since I just woke up "I'm good." pause... "um...have a good doctors appointment...."

Dad - "... It"s just some test"

Me - " yea...I know... but it was the only sentence that sounds supportive."

Dad - "yea. Thank you."

8-20-14
Unofficial word from the tech that showed dad his test - no cancer - 0 shadows on the screen.
Amen

Mon, Aug. 18th, 2014, 04:15 am
Single, 'Was that an opprotunity?'

I went to the exhibit on RACE at the museum http://www.carnegiemnh.org/race/programs/. If the exhibit comes to your town GO, it was pretty thought provoking.

After being surrounded by so much discussion and so many images my brain needed some space I beelined for the exit...well in search of it anyway.

Not wanting to retrace my steps back though the hall of birds I went down a different elevator landing in the hall of dinosaur bones :(.

Finally I turned to the thin pale man standing near me. He was about my height with slightly rounded shoulders and very plesant-geeky-teacher looking in his faded blue and white (I think) plaid quarter sleeve shirt. I bet we were not that far in age but his stance and demeanor made him appear older.

Me - 'Hi excuse me, do you know how to get out of here?' I smiled, not wanting to sound silly adding 'This is not the way I came in', pointing up, 'I came down from the 3rd fl...'

Him - 'Yes, the RACE exhibit...'

Me - 'I didnt want to walk back through the hall of birds...'

Him - 'Yes I noticed you up there.'

Me - social graces keeping me polite but the emotional need for fresh air and to not feel trapped recognized the potential for more conversation but was already well on the road to which immediate escape was required. 'Oh, yes I was, do you...' looking around for an exit sign.

Him - 'Yea, oh I think it might be this way, I was wondering that also. Do you think these are the real rocks they put out (indicating the exhibits in general) or casts?'

Me 'not sure, maybe some are real but I think the bones are cast.'

We walk a few steps in one direction then spot a hall and head in that direction where we see the light from the gem room, beyond that the polar room which leads to the main hall.

Him - 'so have you been in this section?'

Me - 'no, not in a while.'

He pauses in front of the gem room and I can tell that although he hesitates this was where he planes to go. I think to ask if gems are his thing. I think to stand and hold more of a conversation or to take his pause as the invite to the gem room with him that his shy yet open stance is telling me its meant to be but the need to escape trumps his silent inquiry.

Me - (smiles, pointing towards the door) Well it was nice to meet you.'

He pauses a moment longer, I wonder if he is thinking of a better way to word his silent offer other than silence. I wonder if this is one of those moments that will never come again or if I'm meant to in the future encounter him again.

Him - 'you also'

Me - 'have a good day.'

I wonder if he often speaks to women or if our exchange was considered a success. I wondered if maybe he was a crazy murder, homely on the outside but crazy once he got you alone among the gems. Maybe it was a one time chance meeting, maybe a lot of life is the concept from the movie Sliding Doors :)

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